Grief has no timeframe.

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Grief has no time frame…
I am posting this picture with this topic for what seems to be irony. Yet, grief has many faces…this is one of them, the smiles and positive attitude that protects the emotions until they are safe to be expressed.
Last night was one of those times, I guess I was in a soft enough space for the grief to pour out of me…and what felt like a total meltdown.
This grief is coming up from a moment 7 years ago when my father passed away suddenly.
Immediately I went into shock, then suppression which was masked as strength…using the viewpoint ‘everything happens for a reason’ to keep myself functioning in the world.
Grief for me, (so far) is one of the deepest, root emotions I now know…underneath, the shame, fear, guilt, bliss, joy…hello grief, I’m ready to meet you now.
I hid and protected myself from grief in many ways…It hid in my strength, it hid in my drive to be successful, it hid with the help of drugs and alcohol, it hid with the help of sex….it even hid in my diet obsessions, even in my yoga practice…I silenced and eased the grief with spending money…and even in the many ‘self help’ books and workshops over the years.
Grief, I’m ready to meet you now…but still with fear and resistance.
I was even afraid to show my grief to my family …putting on a tough expression…and, until now, that protection served me…
So, it’s really uncomfortable right now, this isn’t a call for help it’s something that is ready to be expressed.
A shift…fck its uncomfortable, and strangely enough there is even a feeling of shame around sharing this or even feeling this…grief has no timeframe. I miss my father so much, and 7 years later the Concious, deep grieving begins.
Love ❤️ all of you

 

Thanksgiving Grace {2015}

Grateful White Butterfly -

These are my post Thanksgiving  {2015} thoughts…

This day I woke up fully alive and excited to pour my energy and love into nourishing food for my family. Not like before, where I felt almost like I was trying to boast about my new dietary needs and secretly wanting my family to listen to me, to follow me and notice how aligned and conscious and cool I was. That I was following this amazing diet and was so healthy and conscious so EVERYONE should do the same and I felt that THEN they would be happy and healthy too (which made me feel PROUD and really just feed my sweet little ego).

No, this year it felt so much different. I genuinely just felt so much love flowing through me it felt so natural to move that energy in a very useful way – cooking food all day with SO MUCH love…this is something I have never really fully felt or experienced before in this space. And not only did I feel so much love cooking and making yummy food while singing and dancing – I was totally open to eating a few things I normally do not eat but I wanted to out of the PURE JOY my family gets out of others (me) enjoying their masterpieces as well.

Through the many years of playing with my diet and being so hardcore at family gatherings that I felt more frustration than love…I decided that Love wins, whatever that means in the moment to feel and BE it fully.

I felt so, so much love in this space with my family as the colors of emotions and energies swirled around the room. I loved it all, and felt present with it all.

So this year it was eating some turkey – with so much love and honor – and eating my FAVORITE dish my aunt makes called Zucchini bake – which is held by a croissant crust and adorned with mozzarella cheese, despite that I generally don’t eat cheese or Gluten. I felt SO MUCH more joy eating this amazing dish with my family with a glass of wine than if I didn’t. It was that simple. And I’m starting to slide into this space more and more every day.

This place where I used to be so strict and hard on myself about not only my diet but EVERYTHING ‘spiritual’ that I was learning and picking up along the way whether I was WHOLLY embodying it or not – and most times, FUCK I was BARELY embodying that which I was sharing and ‘preaching’ to others.

So as I grow and evolve…its so much more important to me to relax into the moment with love beyond all that I have learned on this journey through life. Sliding back into the simple space that feels like a hug from my father and mother when I was crying about being overwhelmed about everything that life was.

I am SO FUCKING grateful for the tremendous amount of wisdom I have gained about myself, my body, how what I put into it can help me live more fully in LOVE and with CLARITY.

I am grateful for the tools I have remembered that help bring me back into alignment when I feel like I have stumbled into a dark hole…the movement, dancing, yoga, meditation, singing, energy work, shaking, self touch and love, vulnerable love making, connection to my wonderful WISE, WISE women and siSTARS I have reunited with in this lifetime…and the men that hold the space for us ALL to rise again.

I am grateful for it all. The travels, the plane rides, the heat of the jungle and the unusually chilly summer in Europe.

I am grateful for the workshops and retreats full of bliss and uncomfortable moments of trasformation, the ecstatic dances, the yoga, the waterfalls, the coral in the ocean and BEING NAKED without shame…

I am grateful for every single being that crossed my path. Whether it was just one encounter, a few awkward encounters, deep connections that have evolved, those that are on pause for now, and those that will arise again…and again.

Holy shit I am grateful for you all. No matter the encounter, you have touched my soul deeply in ways I cannot even comprehend. My life is forever changed because of you, no matter how much ‘time’ we spent or how ‘deeply’ it may seem we have connected. Thank you.

Over the last year and a half (and more, I am sure) but seriously for that long…I’ve been on this ‘spiritual journey of healing’…

And through this time, I’ve come to this point right now where I am just into the simplicity of life. I feel in these simple moments, being grateful for being able to eat a turkey with my family even if I usually don’t eat meat (and it might hurt my belly), it feels good to share love and food with family. This idea flows into every part of my life; I’m not here to teach anyone anything right now.

I just feel I’m here to LOVE. To meet everyone eye to eye, heart to heart, and feel into each moment as the emotions rise and fall and practice empathy, compassion and love above all else. No matter if we agree with each other, or if we are happy, sad…no matter how we are acting.  We all need more love and not less.  That is where I feel the true teachings are. From this place is where I am uncovering the best parts of myself – and from this place I feel we can work together to help us not only uncover the best parts of each other but of this entire world and universe.

Grateful Sacred Light

Ya know, its funny, I started writing this with the intent to express some sadness and grief and frustration I was feeling after a beautiful and bright day and how weird that was to go from a massive high to a deep low. Well, after writing this and reflection on LOVE and everything I am grateful for…my sadness has relaxed into this sweet hammock of love. Wow, the power of feeling and being grateful for all that is. It’s the simple things in life.

Happy Thanksgiving 2015 Y’all.

Send out the light

The Space Between

the space between

 

Where I lay in my bed, thoughts floating around in an antigravity space inside my head.

That place where there is no joy and there is no sadness.

Everything just IS.

The sounds inside and outside my room…drifting along wavelengths merging and drifting again.

To be detached from emotions doesn’t feel until the mind jumps in and trying to make something happen – and attach.

‘Oh wow, this feels peaceful but holy crap im not used to this peace so ill feel fearful’ these thoughts bouncing around my head like in a pinball machine and the ball will get caught every once in a while…

But why? What is this experience?

Ah, I don’t even care right now – or do i??

Should I care…

Breathe in…breathe out…I AM.

I am. I am. I…(:light gasp: silence)

.

 

..

….

..

.

I talk to myself yet I have no desire to talk to anyone else, no desire for conversations – no desire for touch…the desires seem to fade. But, there is this deep feeling of lightness…the air in the space surrounding my beautiful body kissing my skin.

My heart beats there.

Communication without words.

The words just seem to cause more pain…the words create attachment to the thoughts.

So all I want to do now…is to breathe in, to breathe out…and merge.

Modern Shaman

I don’t know what I am doing…(and that’s ok)

Trust the Process

I will start out this new blog post with a poem that inspired me to start getting it all out there again…

“You’re tired and have been working so hard, you are cosmically exhausted. You just want some rest.

 It is natural to want the path of the heart to feel safe, to provide answers to your questions, and to establish a new reference point form which you can move forward. But the movement of LOVE is one of holy reordering and not organized around your hopes, fears & preferences.

 So much has fallen away over these last weeks and months – so much that you thought you needed, so many of the identities you thought you had to maintain. So many beliefs about the nature of love and why you have come here. But what will arise from the ashes of the known?

 You are not yet being given answers but continue to be asked to sit in the fires of groundedness and stay committed to complexity, confusion and contradiction.

For these are your most alive teachers now, aligned on the alter of your heart, and calling you deeper inside. They will only continue to ask you to let go of the ‘need’ to resolve something, the warp it all up, and to spin back into the dense environment of the known.

The beloved is a shape shifter and will use the entirety of the phenomenal world to reach you. He or she will never stop appearing as the inner and outer mandala that is taking form as you life…now.

 She is preparing the ground for what is next. But what is next is always and forever made of the unknown. Stay there.”

By, Matt Litica

Metamorphasis

Art by Christos

In this moment I just do not know what I am doing. I feeling the forward movement and it feels natural, calm yet confusing. It has come to a point where all the words I have every pulled out of this head – out of this being cannot make sense of what is going on inside. Not only do I feel this inside, but all around like the currents of waves pushing me around ever so often dropping into the stillness below. As I sit and type out trying to move the energy out and channel it from my heart this phrase that keeps singing to me is “As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…”

And with that short message, I am off today to California, to sit in meditation for a few days then no idea what is next. The plans I had fell through and part of me is sad, wanting to cry and arising fear – and then this gem inside is screaming with excitement. This is a new step for me, I have always liked change yet im noticing it was the change that I made – that I was in control of – and this, I am not. The security and comfort that supported me on my journey before is not longer held in the place it was.

I feel as if I spend this last year and a half of my life traveling to prepare me for this next adventure. And what I am seeing is the deep calling to REALLY be present and it LIVE. Find wonder in the mystery, with each breath knowing that the only thing that will arise again is another unknown moment.

I hop on the road today with the intention to just LIVE, to breathe in the air and the beauty that surrounds me with each infinite moment. Live like a child that has no need or thought of the next moment just how to have fun and play in the only moment that is real, this one right here, as I write, tears come to my eyes because I really love writing. I love it so much but never would dare write because of my deep fear of not having he right words. Because of my desire and need to be so perfect nothing would come out if I didn’t feel it would be the grandest most poetic piece and everyone would drop in awe.

Well, little by little the layers of fear around my full, creative, self expression are falling. Another layer of fear falling away and beauty emerging – MY beauty and creativity, and no one else’s. There is not right or wrong way to express, and this is my way ❤

Be Gentle

Even with travel, nothing can change unless you looks inside with honest eyes.

Traveling Thailand and blind to the fact that I was still holding on to that which I did not want to anymore – the reason I wanted to travel came from a desire for a BIG shift…one I knew was ready to make its presence known.

I did not desire to start this journey because I felt like something was lacking in my life whatsoever – quite the opposite really. I feel that I have been TREMENDOUSLY blessed during my extremely short time on this earth, in this body. Not blessed just because I have a wonderful family, supportive friends, was privileged enough to go to college and even get a job after i graduated – for that I cannot even explain how blessed I am but also because in the U.S.A. I have the luxury of have food and CLEAN running water I can get from the TAP of all places and not have to buy a bottle AND I have the amazing luxury and privilege of FREEDOM…freedom to travel the world with ease and freedom to express how I feel writing this blog at this very moment.

When I started to write this I once again was trying to hard to give a nice detailed description of my trip so it would be pretty and clean for everyone to read. I once again, like when I was writing my first post found myself thinking of what others would like to see/read but then I realized it wont be good unless I just write from my heart and let it flow – same as when I journal. So, here I go.

I need to start with a story about a guy I met on Facebook, Dan O’Donnell (not the same as my travel partner, Dan) who I met through his page ‘Positive Atmosphere’. I not only found his positivity awesome he also traveled the world so we had chat about how to travel the world, and such before I took the plunge. It just so happened that he was living in Chiang Mai at the time we decided to visit. And Dan being the amazing person he is offered to pick up Dan and me up from the airport even after only knowing me through Facebook interactions. Once he picked us up he invited us to a gathering at a local, amazing Thai joint for an e-commerce gathering – that was the best Thai food I had the entire trip! During that dining I found out that a lot of foreigners who live there are in e-commerce and Dan and I got invite to play a game Dan (O’Donnell) came up with called the ‘Better Me’ game the next day with all the e-commerce homies. What a great welcoming into Chiang Mai and we had only been there a few hours.  I have found that each person in my life – whether in person and even through the cyber world can have a massive impact no matter how small on the direction of your life to help guide you to your destiny – to help you discover your true self.

We arrive at our lovely airbnb joint, and we are welcomed by a wonderful dude named ‘Bay’ who is making coffee at the organic cafe called Bay’s Café – and Bay make some amazing coffee where he grinds the coffee beans all by hand before brewing – That is service! Dan and I were very pleased with our setup – organic café, with an outdoor seating area – also and area to do yoga and play guitar AND a great location to the markets and Old City Chiang Mai.

Once we were settled in and had our first night there we were off to explore. I must say that I was really shocked to see how metropolitan the city of Chiang Mai was AND how many cars there were in the city – I was expecting mostly motorbikes. Our first exploration spot with the Old City of Chiang Mai which is a fascinating place. The Old City used to be surrounded by a large stone wall which was also surrounded by a moat. Today, you can still see portions of the wall that are still up but a lot of it had worn down over the centuries and now the moat is adorned with water fountains which I found quite lovely…when they were working. Most of our days consisted of either touring the old city, Zoo Fun, Markets, eating and visiting temples. Ill will give a run down on our experiences with these and some fun facts to go along with them!

First, a little more about Old City Chiang Mai and our experience with it – the city name Chiang Mai actually means ‘New City’ because it was the new city of the Lanna Kingdom (I wont get into more details than that!) The city was very carefully designed to observe all the correct astrological laws which I think it pretty cool and would have taken so much more work than just throwing up some walls (but the Buddhist would not space ANY detail for their faith).

When we arrived in the Old City I was at least thankful we had picked to stay where we did – it was immediately apparent that this was where all the tourists flocked to in Chiang Mai. Immediately as we walked in people asking if we wanted to buy stuff, if we needed a taxi or a massage. I did find that the pestering was not as bad as it was on the islands on Thailand that I visited last year. We checked out this location a few times in our week there – one of my favorite trips was to eat and then to get a massage from the ex-female prisoners.

Next, the temples (which they call Wats) – Chiang Mai has over 300 Buddhist Temples. We saw maybe less than 10 but we did take a trip up a hill to the northwest of the city called Doi Suthep, where we checked out the most famous Temple, which is named Wat Phrathat Doi Suthep (this temple dates back to 1383). A lot of people who have been in Thailand a while or travel there a lot say they get ‘templed out’. When I was told this I just could not believe that to be possible because of the sheer beauty of these buildings. They do not just contain one temple but many parts and all for their devotion and love for Buddha. The exterior wall was to keep out the secular; one temple built just for the Buddha and the other building houses the monks that live in the temple. It was not only that but all the intricate details and individuality of each temple is beyond impressive. I challenge the idea of getting templed out – that just means more traveling and more temples to see! Oh, and side note – if you are a woman you must wear pants and cover your shoulders in the temple or you will get in trouble like I did J (I did have a wrap over me it just wasn’t up to ‘code’’ I guess).  In this moment I found my self actually getting a bit frustrated that they were so put off that I was not properly dressed but then I asked myself WHY was I frustrated? I have no reason to be at all – if anything I need to have love and respect for their culture and tradition even though it is not something I fully understand. This also goes for everything in life that others call to be true for them – I may not really agree but its more because of a lack of understand from their point of view, this was a great lesson for me that will carry on.

One of the days we spent some time (3 hours or so) wandering around the Chiang Mai Zoo.  I find it interesting that I absolutely cannot remember the last time I stepped foot into a zoo at all.  I am sure it was when my niece and nephews were younger and as a kid.  Not sure why, just never made the time.  Overall the experience at the zoo was fun and it was nice to see all of the different types of animals I have literally never seen except for in books, on TV or in movies.  What I did like most about the zoo experience is it is not like any experience I have had before – both good and bad if you want to relate in polarities – was that you could really get in close to the animals :).  You were given food to feed them, if you wanted you could even put your hand in the hippopotamus  mouth (if you didn’t really think you needed it anymore, that is).  At first my thought was how cool that we can be so close to these animals and WHY are american Zoos so crazy about our distance – I thought they are trying to protect US from then animals but then, Dan told me it was to protect the animals from us…I have no more reflection on that topic, but something interesting to think about.  After three hours or so of wandering around we were exhausted and I left thankful I could see all of these animals at least once in my life (and bonded with the leopard) but could not help but wish so much for all of these animals to just be free in their own habitat, like  everyone all over the world desires – but maybe they don’t know any better, some of them SEEMED to be happy and enjoying being fed by strange ‘humans’…levels of what we consider to be ‘freedom’ varies upon the conditions we grow up in.  It made me step back and think, ‘Am I REALLY free?’  And sometimes we may think that we are really free, and by certain standards we are – what I have been discovering is that I have a ton of freedom and have been blessed – but freedom is in the mind…perception is reality.

One part of Chiang Mai I had to get used to was the fact that NOTHING really opens until around 10/10:30am.  So waking up and wandering around at 7am looking for breakfast we found ourselves in silence except for the roosters crowing, dogs barking and mottos and cars driving past.  But as soon as shop opened – the city is moving so fast you feel like you are spinning and can’t focus on which way to go with everyone asking if you need a taxi or if you want to eat here or take a ride on the elephants (thanks to Stacey Downen I will NOT go on an elephant riding tour since she informed me they are abused! Thank you Stacey for your love and concern for animals).  It would be overwhemling to anyone from the western world – we are not used to people being in our faces but I think that they feel they need to be to make money, to live, to support their families.  Yes, it can be annoying but hey – they have to work their tails off to make any sort of money at all. It makes me laugh at the times I may have ‘wished’ I had more money to do this and that…well here they just wish to be able to feed their children and themselves.  Being in Thailand gave me CONSTANT reminders of how incredibly blessed I am.

 

I woke up like this.

Be brave. Be Strong. Be you. Be FLAWLESS…

This post is dedicated to my amazing, handsome best friend who I am going to miss TERRIBLY when I travel – this is for you my fabulous, FLAWLESS boo – Mr. Wesley Hebert (pronounced A-BEAR ).

You can follow him on Instagram at @wesabear20 http://www.enjoygram.com/wesabear20

Thank you for always being the most amazing friend, lover and husband ❤ I love you

You are the definition of ‘flawless’

I Woke Up Like This Sweatshirt

Now PLEASE – Enjoy this beautiful video by Beyonce HERE …….

and always remember you are amazing and beautiful JUST AS YOU ARE. Boom. Bye haters 🙂

Ey Bey… ❤

beyonce flawless | beyonce-flawless

If It Scares You    #travel #quote #fear #change

I have been afraid to write my first blog for a while – and I am facing that fear at this very moment, but it is a fear I have known that I have had for a while…but what happens when we do not know that which we fear?

Oh the glorious teacher, FEAR.  Well wouldn’t you think that if you have a fear your sure as hell know it because its  fear of your that made itself known deep inside your core – very loud and clear the first time you realized the feeling, this emotion was something that you were adverse to – that you feared. What I found out is no, it does not always makes itself known that easily.

How often do we ever talk about FEAR?  We often think of fear as being a weakness, I know that growing up and being afraid of something I just sucked it up and pushed on through.  And sometimes, that is the right decision for the moment but there is much more to fear that this…

I grew up with the belief that I would go to school, cheer, make good grades then I would marry the man of my dreams, be a mother who occasionally teaches pilates to my other rich friends who were all house wives.  We would have fabulous house parties every Saturday night and all gather at church the next morning.   And there is NOTHING wrong with this path at all, what we consider ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ is all a matter of perception – this just was not the right path for me.  Money and comfort are things I always told myself REALLY didn’t matter that much but of course I have always desired to stay in this space and not really step outside of it – there really isn’t anything wrong with it anyway, right?

We can let fear manifest in two ways: we can let it master us or we can let it awaken us.

Well here I am now, 29-year-old going on 30 with no husband, no mortgage and an amazing Job in Denver. With this nice, comfortable life I still come face to face with a fear I never knew existed.  I feared leaving this life of comfort, breaking away from the norm that I grew up knowing to be the only path – but this fear was not one that left me silent and observant, but one that sent me in a direction to dig even deeper.  And these deeps thoughts took me from wanting to work to save money for that ‘ONE DAY’ when I will travel, see the world, be brave….and then realizing this could be the only chance so why not do something outside your comfort zone and risk it all.

“The path of fearful awakening is uncharted by many, overgrown with thorns and peppered with pitfalls. But it is the high road nevertheless—the road to the best adrenaline rushes and breathlessly rapid heartbeats.”

So, one day, I made the decision – I am leaving my job and industry I have worked hard in for 7 years to go TRAVEL ASIA.  To a world not like my own – a world without the comfort I have held on so tightly to.

(Chaing Mai, first stop after Bangkok on my Trip!)

Chaing Mai Thailand - can't come soon enough.

Unlike most people who decide to quit their jobs and travel…I LOVED my job, I loved the company and everyone I worked with (THIS is what made everything that much more challenging to decide on my fate).  I’ll spare you all the details but what it comes down to is that I am quitting my awesome job, selling/giving away most of my belongings to face a fear and step into a not so comfortable situation to ultimately discover my truth and the peace that lies within me….it lies within ALL OF US.

I believe my fear with leaving my job was the thought in the back of my mind – “What if I FAIL?” I have been working for so long and hard at my job I must continue on this path or I will fall behind.

But from experience I know that my failure has been my GREATEST teacher and I welcome it with open arms.  If I am afraid to fail I will never know how GREAT I can be!

Take some time in silence to really ask yourself if there is something you fear that you might not be addressing or want to accept.  This could be the key to your greatness, the key for your progress in your life.

Whatever you fear may be – face it head on and with love and compassion.

We must get to know our fears, build a relationship with them – find out where they come from and face them head on. BE BRAVE.

We must OVERCOME (our fears) so we can BECOME who we are meant to be.

 

Facing the Unknown Fear